It was nearly a year, since the beginning of
the tree journal; and the end of the first twelve months of the fruit of life. It was coming near the time of Matariki again,
the New Zealand Maori New Year. A time of old things meeting new things; and of
my ‘endings’ meeting beginnings; for what I had begun this story journal
looking for, I had found. My questions were answered: wherever self’s rotten
ego in me came to its end: there true self could begin and there it found its
own treasure.
Only one thing yet waited its explanation: the door in the tree. All other aspects
of The Light Tree had been shown me; but the door remained a mystery.
When I was finally shown what it was, I
wondered that I had not understood sooner; it was so obvious. But, as with all
answers in Life, the moment I knew, it
was as though I had always known.
It happened while I was walking in the
garden. I had just come to the three swan plant bushes outside the east window,
and I stopped to look for caterpillars and chrysalises. Just as I stopped, I
saw a flash of the most brilliant orange I had ever seen; and a new butterfly
flew away. …It had left its ‘house,’ and from the middle of the tall bush. …Suddenly,
I ‘saw’ on the inside in me. The Door in the Tree, it was in the middle of the
tree, mid-way in the tree; above its roots, but below its branches; in its
centre. And entering through that door
was what linked the realm above, with the realm below. …It was the door which
linked heaven and earth. But, only by
entering did that linking have any
effect. If I had not have entered, I’d not have found Everland. And I only
entered in, by the door, by the Spirit of truth…in the midst of me: in my middle.
The beloved was the door, of course. He is
the door to Everland: and when he was beloved to you. He is the door to heaven
on earth and the pearl of great price. …But there was yet a missing piece to
complete the understanding of the vision of The Light Tree: . . . the way to enter in, by the door in the tree . .
. continually.
*
Two Keys to the Door
It wasn’t until two days later, whilst
sitting on the back verandah in a patch of winter sunshine, listening to the
singing of the creek that I thought of the fact that in the vision of the Door
in the Tree, the door had had a small double keyhole to it. It puzzled me now
that I thought about it; and absentmindedly I played with the two pebbles that
I had in my pocket whilst gazing at the view, trying to work it all out; why I
wondered had I not thought of it before? And, where and what was the key? And why were there two
keyholes? After a moment I remembered experiencing two sorts of ‘keys’ before. One
had been ‘the willingness to be undone,’ and the other, ‘the losing of my own knowledge,’
which opened the way to knowledge; but still it seemed to me that there was yet
another.
Then, and in what was automatic to me now, I
lifted up my heart to him whom I loved, and rested there, and didn’t think, and
I floated free. I put the two smooth stones back in my pocket and picked up my
book. After only a minute or two, I think it was, I ‘heard’ these words inside
me: ‘the hand which rocks the cradle.’
I was surprised, at first, because I was not often given understanding in words;
I had learned to be a little wary of such a thing. Understanding usually came
to me through instantaneous inner pictures. For me this was the main way of communication via
the Spirit of Truth. Explanations in fleeting visions and pictures seemed clearer
than words and less open to being corrupted or misunderstood.
Almost immediately I remembered as a child,
seeing an ancient oak cradle, in a museum; which had a faint but clearly
visible imprint of a mother’s hand upon the dark wooden hood of the cradle as
she had rocked it, and for many years. Then I found myself looking down at my two
hands holding open the book on my lap; one hand on each side of the spine; and the
unravelling trail ended here. My two hands, I wondered? My left and my right…?
And to discern between the two...? But it didn’t make any sense. Then all
unconsciously my left hand let go of the book; when I let go with my right
hand, it slipped off my lap. And the instant it fell to the verandah floor I
knew why there were two keyholes to the door; and, more clearly now, what the
two keys were:
‘The willingness to be undone’ one was Surrender,
or ‘URIM,’ which meant ‘lights;’ and
the other, ‘the losing of my own knowledge’ was Not-Knowing, or ‘THUMMIN,’
which meant ‘perfections.’ …And the
finding of the answer to my internal question – every time – was by these two
hard things. By these two ‘stones’ within me, by these two ‘hands’ to my
spirit, by these two ‘keys’ to life was there an entrance made through the door
in the tree of life.
‘Light’
came through my inner surrender; and ‘perfection’
came through not-knowing I knew!
Every time I let go of what I wanted which was
gripping me, and I surrendered it to my beloved; and every time I chose not to
know, and believed that he knew it for me,
in me – then I entered in at the Door.
Then the Spirit of truth and light would meet me, there, within; and I would be
given the ‘lights’ of insight, which
I was at that moment in need of; and I would be made perfect, in the ‘perfections’ of his wisdom and knowledge
which I was in need of at that very moment.
Life was always immediate! Of course, it was! So that it could never become
‘a Thing:’ or ‘a Theory of Life.’ So
that it could never be worshipped as a ‘Something;’ for that was idolatry.
I laughed and rejoiced, and I knew what I
would do! I got up quickly and went inside. In the dining room, I went to the
Welsh dresser, and took down from two cup hooks on it, two quite large and
rusty iron keys. (These were just two of the keys for which every door in our
Victorian house had a keyhole. We never used them.) And I fetched a small piece
of cardboard and brown string and scissors and pen and a hole-punch thingy and made
a label for each key. Written on the label of one, was the word ‘SURRENDER,’
and written on the other was ‘NOT-KNOWING.’
I wrote the words in large capital
letters and hung the keys back on their cup hooks on the Welsh dresser, their labels
turned so as I could not help but read them every time I was in the room. Then
surely these two ‘un-lockers’ – which would open ‘the door in the tree of life’
– would become ingrained within me so as I could never forget; or ever lose their
‘magic.’ I smiled; and went into the
laundry, and did a few chores.
About half an hour later I went to sit outside
again on the back verandah, to enjoy the cold sunshine there, for soon the day
would be gone. I glanced up. I saw the lace fringed skyline, where the wooded
hills ended and the sky began; where the dark met the light. And I leaned back;
and listened.
Surrender and Not-Knowing, this was my ‘rock
of offence,’ the two things I didn’t naturally want to do! They were my two
stones of stumbling: my URIM and THUMMIN. And I wondered if there was more to
them. Was there more that I needed to understand, in order to go further, and
breakthrough the darkness which was always there just one step ahead?
The first, Surrender that was straight forward to me; because it was something
I chose; or liked to think that I did.
(Although I sensed it was chosen for me, and before the world began. I did
nothing of my own self; of my own self I could do nothing.) And being my
choice, I experienced the happiness inherent in that single action. It always
outweighed the negatives; it made me feel good: it made me feel the warm
comfort of my beloved, of being very close and, for that moment, having done the
right thing. But Not-Knowing, this
was something else. It was not a single thing. It was an ongoing thing. A
constant thing; eating away at me! Unless I could somehow come to understand it,
I would be forever struggling with it. I
would be as a caterpillar walking on treacle; a coal miner forever chipping away
the black rock face before him; a diver with only a limited supply of air in
his tank. What I needed was a new and constant ‘air supply!’ A continual life supply. Of, real living. And what was living? Even as I was asking I was
answered.
Living was a state of not knowing; a case of
not being sure: a matter of not seeing what was next. That was what it was all
about; for that was what kept it from stagnating, and dying! Because where I knew, there I was set on the unsure
path; the path of a drifting away
from the receiving of Life: because where I was convinced that I knew, there I did not look any further.
(There was no need. I thought I already knew!) So there the spark of Life faded;
and more and more till there was nothing of it left; and it died there, lost.
I could not know any more, where I already
knew!
But of course, this matter of not knowing; this
state of being uncertain, did not feel very nice! Naturally, I would focus on
the unpleasantness of that. And so that was where I became unglued. Because a
not-nice feeling I mistook for a negative thing. How could it be good? I had not yet learned how to get past the
inner unpleasantness; and go further; and get beyond the nebulous unrest of my
insidious wantings; the empty gnawing feeling that makes holes in my middle.
I looked up. I noticed that there was more
blue coming through now; the high cloud being scattered in the strong winds up
there. I was being drawn nearer. Turning to the western skies I saw a long
narrow streak; white, and straight as a ruler, running across the rimming blue.
A jet was flying northeast towards the Pacific. Suddenly I saw. There was a barrier to life. There really was.
Of course there was. And it was always there. Just as the sound barrier for a
jet plane, is always there. …But that could be broken – by going through it! Oh,
then perhaps my ‘life barrier’ could be broken, too? By going ‘faster,’ and ‘breaking
through’ it! Through that locked door made of my inner ‘wantings,’ which were constantly
making their uncomfortable presence felt inside. Of course! I had to face it
head on. Turn it around. Make it my joy. Where I felt and embraced it, there I
embraced life! There, the realm of Everland flowing with milk and honey! Filling
up all my hollow holes of wanting, taking them away!
Oh. Life was all the time; willing and waiting
for me to break through and embrace it! Life was all delight and joy in the
midst of all that was contrary! Turning emptiness to fullness in accepting its
unattractive appearance!
But the spirit of Life was as fleeting as sheet
lightening; as transitory as a snowflake! The barrier had to be constantly
faced, and embraced. Constantly ‘turned:’ turned, unlocked, and opened into something
else – if it was to be immediately effective and maintained and not lost! ‘Snowflakes,’ to star patterned life-giving water!
‘Sheet lightening,’ to life-giving sight and energy, ‘the force that through the green fuse drives the flower.’
The
barrier of my inner un-comfortableness at not-knowing had first to be converted
to break through it. Turned back-to-front and upside down, and therefore: the
right way round; for my ‘not-knowing’ when it was embraced turned into Life! Acceptance converted it to its
opposite. Converting my darkness, to light! My negativity, to positivity! My bad,
to good! NOT-KNOWING
really was the key! The other half of the answer! The other key to the door in
the tree of Life! The ‘key’ was put in the ‘keyhole;’ in the lock in my door
inside of me. Now the door opened. And all my former discomfort, and gnawing-emptiness
of not-knowing, was turned and converted: filled full with warmed comfort in joy
all unspeakable filled with glory!
A playful paw of wind pounced on the
verandah pushing further open the French doors behind me. I turned to look. Both
were open. I saw the two keys hanging from their cup hooks on the dresser,
their labels flying. Suddenly it all tied in with what I had been shown before.
My cup of joy had to be tipped out in order for it to be filled with fresh joy.
Wherever I did not first empty my cup, it could not be refilled with new wine!
Oh, and there is the bursting of the sound barrier and the champagne of new life!
SURRENDER
and NOT-KNOWING empty my soul, so that it can be filled anew; and with twice as
much as before with everything that is truly worth KNOWING
and HAVING.
And truly, I have!
*
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